The Tocchet Line: Who Will Be the Next Publicity Stunt/Guest Head Coach in the NHL?

Named in honor of noted gambling aficionado Rick Tocchet, The Tocchet Line is an occasional feature on NHL FanHouse in which we even out the odds for the likelihood of various hockey-related happenings.

As Eric McErlain noted today on FanHouse, Al Arbour's one-shot return to the New York Islanders' bench was a very big deal. Not only did the NHL legend coach his 1,500th game, but the Islanders managed to piss off hockey purists with nary a 15-year contract in sight. So successful was Arbour's cameo appearance, one can't help but wonder who else might be in line for a flimsy publicity stunt moment of honor and distinction. The Tocchet Line handicaps the field:

Barry Melrose (2:1) - The Mullet must return! If not because he's the key to landing sponsorship with Mario's House of Mafioso Pinstripes, then because he's looking so laid back these days on ESPNews that I'm pretty sure he could coach an entire NHL game with a copy of The Hockey News in one hand and a Tom Collins in the other.

Phil Goyette, Terry Simpson, Lorne Henning, Mike Milbury, Butch Goring, Peter Laviolette and Steve Stirling (6:1) - Did you see the attendance for the Islanders' win against the Penguins on Al Arbour Night? Incredible ... a sellout at the Nassau Coliseum, and the Rangers weren't even playing. Based on those numbers alone, they should bring everyone that ever coached the Islanders back for one night only. Can you imagine the nostalgic joy that is Steve Stirling Night?

Paul Newman (15:1) - Get the Hansons out of moth balls and grab the foil, because Reggie Dunlop's finally coaching an NHL team! Would you have him behind the bench in Philly, where the Flyers are currently perfecting their own brand of "old time hockey?" Nah ... gotta have him in Florida, where the Charlestown Chiefs were going to be relocated -- if the rumors were true, that is.

Dave Chambers (20:1) - If the Islanders are willing to bend over for Al Arbour so he can hit a nice round number, shouldn't Colorado give Chambers, a former Quebec Nordiques head coach, the opportunity to do the same? Chambers coached 94 games from 1990-92 for the Nords, losing 64 of them ... and coming one victory away from hitting the big two-oh. Twenty wins might not mean anything to you, but you don't have 19 career wins, now do you? Will someone give this poor bastard a chance to have more career wins than Dennis Vial has career points?

Wayne Gretzky (30:1) - Seriously, how awesome would it be if the greatest player in hockey history stepped behind the bench and ... wait, what?!

Don Cherry (50:1) - A fairly obvious one, don't you think? Grapes hasn't coached an NHL game since 1979 1980 but that shouldn't matter, considering he really hasn't learned a thing since the 1960s anyway. We're talking about a guy who blamed Patrice Bergeron for his own Grade 3 concussion by "inviting" Randy Jones of the Flyers to illegally check him into the boards. How about Cherry behind the Leafs' bench for one night? I can see it now: Nik Antropov blows a 2-on-1, and Cherry steps out from behind the bench and in front of a camera to cut a promo on how pathetic "And Drop Off" is.

Sean Connery (100:1) - No, I don't believe he has any hockey credentials. No, I'm not sure if he's even familiar with many of the intricacies and concepts of the sport. So why does he belong on his list? I want you to muster up your best (or your worst) Connery impression -- it can even be an impression of Darrell Hammond's impression -- and repeat after me: "Getzlaf, Marchant, Pahlsson, Parros and Schneider on the ice! Bryzgalov to the crease! Now let's skate out and destroy Sidney and those Penguins bastards!"

Manute Bol (10,000:1) - OK, so his hockey playing career was sadly truncated, but maybe he was more cut out for the X's and O's. If he goes behind the bench for one game and loses, so what? He'll simply be the NHL's tallest coaching failure; Bruce Cassidy's status as the biggest will remain unchallenged.

Previously on The Tocchet Line:
Who Will Be the Next Head Coach of the Atlanta Thrashers?