Knuckle Puck: Michael Jackson and the Skivvy Shootout Imitators

Each and every Saturday this season I'll be taking a look at the random happenings and absurdities that occur in the world of hockey. Feel free to suggest stories, complain or otherwise babble at me via electronic mail.

You've got to love the spirit of minor league hockey. The promotional departments for the teams love to give fitting tributes to things that usually have a tenuous relation -- if any -- to their teams, sport and locales. I'm not criticizing, simply stating an observation. The latest team to host a promotional night chosen from their Wheel-O-Random Promotions (I hear all minor league teams keep one snugly in the back of the marketing office for when the mood strikes them) is the ECHL's Bakersfield Condors.

The team hosted King of Pop Tribute Night on Friday complete with Michael Jackson jerseys and players wearing one white glove. And don't worry, the media was naturally all over the clever puns.

This one is from the Condors' own press release:

Friday night is for all of those "Smooth Criminals" out there looking to honor the "King of Pop."

Nothing I loathe more than quotations to make sure that we all get the joke. Deadspin's entry was much better:

ECHL Team Should Stop Before We Get Enough

And the groaner from from local ABC affiliate KERO (sic):

Even the Condors players will all wear one white glove for the game. It should be a real thriller....you can't beat it!

Sigh. Glad to see the lame pun folks were out in full force for this one. The Condors came up short in the game losing 6-3 -- and the jerseys were as awful looking as they are in your nightmares -- but hey, the jerseys were auctioned off to raise money for the Children's Miracle Network so at least the kids were winners.

Knuckle Pucker of the Year Nominee

Each week, we'll nominate someone who deserves to be recognized for their outstanding service and commitment to giving me something to write about. By the end of the year I'll come up with some way to declare a winner. Today's nominee is...

... Maple Leaf fan Lee Kirby. Earlier this week the Ebay auction ended in which Kirby placed his Leafs loyalty for sale to the highest bidder. He was so fed up with the franchise -- apparently it was the 0-7-1 start that broke the proverbial camel's back -- that he created the auction, which ended last week at $25 CDN (~$23 USD). The money was donated to charity and by instruction of the winning bidder Kirby is now a Dallas Stars fan and is worshiping Mike Modano and Company. So thank you, Lee Kirby, for your efforts in giving me something to write about.

Joke Already Written for Me

"[The auction] hovered at around 9 cents for a while, before picking up steam near the end."

If only it had ended near 9 cents, that would have been much funnier. The demand for Leafs fans is clearly not high and their prices are clearly dropping. I blame the economy. I also imagine the charity angle inflated the price a bit, which is always good to see.

Idaho Does Not Endorse Stripper Shootouts

Last week, I wrote in this space about the Tampa Bay Lightning playing a shootout game in which players would take off an article of clothing each time they failed to score. Driven by the inspiring tale of the Lightning, a junior team from Idaho decided to try the same thing. However, they failed to adhere to Idaho's strict no naked hockey players laws. For their actions, they were banned from Idaho Ice World in Boise for four days. FOUR DAYS. WHATEVER WILL BECOME OF THEIR ICE HOCKEY TEAM NOW?!?

Ahem. Excuse me.

An adult whose young daughter was on an adjacent rink saw the 17- to 20-year-old Steelheads skating in their skivvies and complained to a city hotline.

A very vigilant parent, indeed. The way youth sports are nowadays I'm surprised they took such calm action and resisted any urges they had to jump over the boards and beat up the kids. But what really bothers me about this quote is that the city actually has a hotline set up for situations like these. The article doesn't say the person called 911. They called a hotline. That's different. That's specialized.

Rink employees who also noticed the scantily clad skaters urged them to cover up.

But those juvenile delinquents didn't listen did they? We tried to warn them! WE TRIED! But the kids are rebels who don't play by the rules!

The best part of this story is that no one is really sure if any laws, rules or regulations were actually broken.

Police who were alerted on Thursday are now looking into whether Boise's public decency laws were broken by the incident.

The city forbids people from showing their buttocks in public, largely to curb erotic dance parlors. Exemptions include dance, ballet, music or dramatic performances, or artistic displays; nudity during hockey practice isn't on the list.

That would have been one heck of a list if hockey practice was on it. Well, I'm sure it will be now after this incident.

John Oliver, the Idaho Junior Steelheads owner, wasn't at the practice where the players held the "strip shootout."

But an assistant told him the players were emulating a professional team, the Tampa Bay Lightning, whose members held a similar shootout last week where they discarded pieces of equipment after failing to score.

Oh heavens! They got their crazy ideas from TV! That's where it always starts. First it's strip shootouts then they're trying out for American Idol and going straight for hard drugs. It's a slippery slope!

Internet videos show a Lightning right winger, Martin St. Louis, stripping to his long, dark shorts and shirt;

Now the internet is involved in the blame process. It's always the internet. And TV. Video games too. And if it's not any of those then the school system is probably failing the kids.

the Junior Steelheads apparently went further,

OH... GOD... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! They fast-forwarded through the American Idol tryouts and went straight for the hard drugs, didn't they? SAY IT AIN'T SO ASSOCIATED PRESS REPORT!!