Today, ESPN has proved that sports homer ism knows no bounds -- or that it's really funny when someone impersonates a crazed Maple Leaf fan. Deadspin first brought it to my attention in their weekly featured comment from an ESPN.com commenter. The choice this week was an epic quote from a person (or robot, possibly) using the pseudonym deskjockey007. While deskjockey007 is not riding his desk as if it were Barbaro, he/she is already out planning the Maple Leafs' Stanley Cup parade.

If you weren't paying attention to the hockey being played last night, the Versus featured game of the week showcased the Maple Leafs facing off against the Red Wings in Detroit. In what can be considered a huge upset, if you agree with Ted Starkey's Power Rankings as I do, the Leafs winning 3-2 last night while the Red Wings raised their 2008 Stanley Cup banner was an upset of "epic fail" proportions. So there you have it, folks -- it's, amazingly, time to start jumping on the bandwagon that is the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Each Friday throughout the season, I'll provide you with my predictions on whose stock is on the rise and whose is failing miserably like an American bank. It's a neat little segment entitled Buys and Sells. There are a few teams/players/issues to buy and a few to sell.

Ah, yes. The smell of a brand spankin' new season is permeating throughout North American and isn't it b-e-a-u-tiful? And with a new season comes all the usual rites of fall; the return of Hockey Night in Canada, the constant questioning of Gary Bettman's sanity and Chris Chelios yet again featured on an NHL roster. But I'm leaving something out... Something really important... Oh, yes! The return of the NHL season also signals the return of Buys and Sells! What? Buys and Sells isn't synonymous with opening night? You cannot be serious. And neither is this column. Ba-dum-bum. Thanks, I'll be here all season. Hey! DO NOT roll your eyes at me!

Strong Buy: Citizens of Detroit Report Sightings of Airborne Swine
Pigs must be flying in Detroit these days. That's really the only explanation I can come up with for the score of this game. How the Maple Leafs -- a team that has been picked by many to be the East's bottom feeder -- pulled off a win against the Red Wings -- a team picked by many to win the Cup again -- in Detroit, on opening night, after the 2008 Stanley Cup banner was raised to the rafters during the pre-game is simply absurd.

Either the general population is completely wrong in their evaluations of both teams, or this was a serious fluke. And someone go check on Ted Starkey, his head might have exploded since the #30 team in his power rankings just beat the #1 team. Did I mention that it was on opening night? In front of the #1 team's home crowd? After they had raised their Stanley Cup banner? That stuff is not supposed to happen. Jeez, I think my head is going to explode!

From tonight's pre-season bout between the Leafs and Blue Jackets comes, potentially, the best hit of the pre-season. Ole-Kristian Tollefsen of the Blue Jackets absolutely levels Jason Blake who needs to keep his head up a bit. The Leafs naturally take exception to it and Tollefsen proceeds to beat up Alexei Ponikarovsky. Thankfully, Blake got back to his feet after only a couple moments. Enjoy...

While other sites are previewing "30 teams in 30 days," we decided to take advantage of the extra time before the season to bring you all 30 previews over the next three weeks. We're counting down in reverse order of finish from last season in each conference every weekday from now until October 3. Look for an Eastern Conference preview every morning and a Western Conference preview every afternoon. Click here to read them all.

Who's In: Jeff Finger, D (UFA, Col); Mikhail Grabovski, F (trade, Mon); Niklas Hagman, F (UFA, Dal); Ryan Hollweg, F (trade, NYR); Curtis Joseph, G (UFA, Cal); Jamal Mayers, F (trade, StL); Nikolai Kulemin, RW ('06 draft), Luke Schenn, D ('08 draft); Mike Van Ryn, D (trade, Fla)

Who's Out: Scott Clemmensen, G (UFA, NJ); John Pohl, F (UFA); Andrew Raycroft, G (UFA, Col); Bryan McCabe, D (trade, Fla); Mats Sundin, C (UFA, ???); Darcy Tucker, F (UFA, Col); Kyle Wellwood, F (waivers, Van); Andy Wozniewski, D (UFA, StL)

What's Changed: Oh, you know, same old Buds really: New GM, new head coach, team captain off on a free agency soul search, several veterans bought out or traded for scrap, Jeff Finger is worth $3.5-million a season and the demand for tickets has dried up in Toronto.

Just kidding on the last one.

If there's been one story that everyone has beaten to death this summer, it's been Mats Sundin. No one is actually beating Mats to death, but talk of 'will he' or 'won't he' play this season and, if so, for whom has been all over the blogosphere. I don't think you can visit a hockey blog anymore without seeing his name mentioned. For those of you out there looking for something to quell your summer boredom, I've got a fun little game for you today. Sort of like Mad Libs, you can create your own Mats Sundin story by filling in the blanks below.

Don't be shy, give it a try! My shot at it is after the jump for your reading pleasure.

Today, Mats Sundin made a big decision regarding his future. His agent, (person), announced that Mats has signed a contract with (company/non-hockey team) to play professional (activity). The length of the deal is (number) years for (number) million dollars. In a statement released through his agent (agent's name from above), Mats did not comment on whether or not he would return to the NHL, but he did have the following to say about his newest endeavor.

"I'd like to thank the good people at (company from above)," Sundin said. "They have been very good to me and their (product/service) is clearly the best in their industry. I'm looking forward to using (product/service) a lot to (activity)."

It is still not clear at this time if Mats will return to the NHL this (length of time). He has reportedly set a deadline for (date) but even Mats admits that is not a hard deadline. To try and clear his head and think things through Mats has gone to (place) with (person) for (length of time). There he is (activity) and (another activity). The latter really helps Mats to (benefit of activity).

So there you have it, folks. Still no decision from Mats Sundin, but he is now a professional (activity from above). That crazy, Mats! You never know what he'll do next.

Every Thursday, Earl Sleek will conspire with his pen and scanner to bring you another installment of PuckToons. Hopefully you will find these amusing, relevant, well-drawn, or you're a person who is tolerant towards mediocrity.

I thought I'd turn my focus eastward this week, and make fun of new Florida Panther Bryan McCabe, who was traded this week along with a 4th round pick for defenseman Mike Van Ryn.

From my west coast perspective, McCabe is a defenseman who took some unfair heat from the Toronto media before he was traded, but still, he is a guy who did score on his own net in the closing seconds of overtime. That's never easy to live down, especially from hockey internet cartoonists who refuse to let it die.

For anyone looking for quality Florida Panthers blogs, I've recently started reading The Litter Box, which offers a cynical take on all Panther news. For a Leafs perspective, it's hard to go wrong with the level headed approach at Pension Plan Puppets. It should be an interesting year for both teams, it seems, as hockey fans don't anticipate either team qualifying for the postseason.

First, we were given a deadline of August 1st for Mats Sundin to make a decision ... nothing. Not that I mind that he takes his time to make up his mind on his playing future, but you wonder how long it takes him to choose a pair of socks in the morning.

Now? The Swedish troll won't even make up his mind until the start of the regular season, putting him behind the eight ball when and if he decides to sign.
While this puts the screws on the teams that hoped to sign him, it makes perfect sense for Sundin to keep waiting. Why not wait until it is clear which teams are contenders and which are pretenders? Why not keep healthy and mitigate the physical effects that a long season has on the human body? Then again, it appears that there is a far different reason for Sundin's dithering ... A new career as a Poker player (?).

Yes, it seems the gambling bug has bitten the Swedish Troll, and he's signed on to be the latest celebrity shill for PokerStars.

Playing online as "MatsSundin," the 37-year-old Olympic champion plans frequent appearances playing on PokerStars.net and at live tournaments on the PokerStars' global poker tour circuit. This includes the PokerStars European Poker Tour which starts its fifth season next week in Barcelona.

"MatsSundin"? Would you really think a guy called "MarioLemieux66" or "CarolAltsBoytoy" would be the real thing? How to tell the impostors from the real thing ... oh, my!

Every Thursday, Earl Sleek will conspire with his pen and scanner to bring you another installment of PuckToons. Hopefully you will find these amusing, relevant, well-drawn, or you're a person who is tolerant towards mediocrity.

I was inspired by this week's column by the Globe and Mail's Eric Duhatschek that contemplated the short-term future of the members of the 4-S Club: Joe Sakic, Brendan Shanahan, Teemu Selanne, and Mats Sundin. All four remain unrestricted free agents that for various reasons have not signed for the coming season and may even end up hanging up their skates and retiring from the NHL.

These four superstars have been lighting up the league for the greater part of two decades, combining for 5,225 regular season games played, 2,380 goals scored, and 5,448 points. All are among the top 50 point-scorers and the top 25 goal-scorers in NHL history, and are members of the exclusive 500 goal club and the 1,000 point club. Collectively, it's not like their game has slowed down considerably, either. If you tallied all their seasons before the 2004-05 lockout and pro-rated the results to an 82-game schedule, the pre-lockout 4-S Club averages 38 goals, 48 assists, 86 points. If you did the same exercise with the same group's post-lockout results, the foursome averages 36 goals, 48 assists, 84 points. Not a noticeable drop-off at all.

I don't know who among that group has really played their last NHL game, but it would be stunning if all four heroes rode off into the sunset together. After the break, I'll point out where these 4-S members stand on the all-time and active scoring lists, thanks to the resources at Hockey-Reference.com.

Late last summer, we brought you the story of Leafs (and ex-Sharks) winger Mark Bell, the young man who was foolish enough to drive around town after a long night of quaffing beers at the bar.

As you might expect with a drunk driver, Bell roared around Silicon Valley at very high speed, rear-ended an unsuspecting sap and causing serious upper body injuries. Thanks to his semi-celebrity status, Bell managed to avoid serious jail time and settled his case out-of-court.

Still, Bell had to pay some price and learn his lesson. In addition to the token NHL suspension, Bell had to perform 440 hours of community service (eight hours a day, five days a week for 11 weeks) of "professional landscaping".

"I don't consider myself an alcoholic and I never will consider myself an alcoholic. But I got in trouble because of alcohol and, to me, that's a problem. I had to change things in my life so I changed them," he said.

"I was ashamed of what I did when it first happened. And embarrassed, all the emotions that came along with it. But you know what? It happened. I made a mistake. At the same time, I've been through a lot and I've overcome a lot. I'm actually very proud of myself for what I've overcome."

Perhaps this humbling experience of forced manual labor really did give Bell enough time to reflect on what he did and where he was going in life. Bell was fortunate that he didn't cause the death of the victim, and now has the opportunity to get his hockey career back on track. Many other drunk drivers aren't quite so fortunate.

As for Bell's hockey career, it's very hard to project just how he'll do and how much he'll play. For all of his career, Bell has not put up the offensive numbers that many expects were expecting, and his last two seasons in the NHL were among his worst. I think 30+ points would be a pleasant surprise.

Life is tough for Toronto Maple Leafs fans. Heck, it's been 41 years since they won a Stanley Cup, and while the Leafs have fans all over Canada, they also have plenty of vocal enemies. It's gotten so bad that Alena Sharp, a Canadian player on the LPGA Tour, will be leaving her Maple Leafs club cover at home when she plays at the CN Canadian Women's Open outside Ottawa this weekend.

Here's what Sharp told the Ottawa Sun's Chris Stevenson:

Hamilton's Alena Sharp, Canada's top player on the LPGA Tour this year, has a Toronto Maple Leafs head cover on her driver, but she said today she's willing to chuck it for this week.

"I was waiting for that one to come up. Last year in Edmonton, I got flack about it...so if someone is willing to bring an Ottawa Senators head cover, I'll put it on my bag for the week. I guess you can put that out in the media."

Abandon the Leafs for the Sens? Somebody alert Battle of Ontario, we've got a deserter to deal with!

Then again, there's always the Shania Twain solution.

Sharp, by the way, proudly displays a Maple Leafs logo on her official Web site, right alongside one from the Boston Red Sox. If you happen to be looking for a Maple Leafs club cover all your own, click here.

Thanks to J.P. for the pointer.